From Addiction to Armbar

Summary

Combat Confidential #006 - S1E6 - Derek Kearney Hold on tight, folks, because this week's episode is an electrifying podcast episode as I sit down with my friend Derek “The Crucible” Kearney, a true force in the MMA and BJJ realms. Together, we're diving deep into our gritty…

Transcript (youtube_captions)

what's up everybody welcome back to the podcast thank you for tuning in uh today is a very good show a good friend of mine Derek Carney he and I met in season 7 winter warrior uh now turn off the um we had a great chat about also uh we talk about drugs alcohol addiction overcoming that and how Ultra has helped with all that talk about our love for BJJ fun stuff look I don't want to give it all away check it out hopefully I've done a better job bookmarking this podcast than I have on the other but before I go because I always forget our number one sponsor book mativa BJJ located in Middletown here in Dublin uh it's a great spot headed by a [Music] HQ so you know you're getting a good education when you go there a great spot brand new gym just opened always the mats are always full when I go there and I'm so happy to see that because it is a wonderful spot and I love it Edison so much and I'm so happy for them and I just want everyone to go there and check it out even if you're not gonna you know become a member of the gym but just go there hang out check it out um he'd be more than happy to uh to have you but at very least do me the favor and go to his Instagram page welcome mativa underscore Jiu Jitsu all right everything is linked below just give them a follow on top of that uh Wolverine fight where do the same give us a follow at Wolverine fight we're on Instagram um you know that's that's my company and you know what I what I try to do with that company is bring quality clothing and streetwear related to jiu jitsu and MMA and just the world of Combat Sports so you know check it out I got no products coming out all the time and if you ever want something specific or want something that I have on the uh that I have in the store you want to customize let me know I'll be able to do I more than likely be able to do some for it all right so without any further Ado uh here we go let's get into it and where are we [Music] [Music] go go go go go go go welcome back everyone to combat confidential so today it all right hold on let me do that take two take two yeah all right everyone uh welcome back I have here Mr Derek Kearney Kearney right I said that correctly cardi like a carnival record close enough okay I always ask people how to say they're how to say their names I don't know why um half the time I it could be something simple like Smith and I still say it wrong yeah but um anyway so Derek you and I know each other from went to Warrior we do now train Alta um that was it feels like just yesterday almost but it was what it's two and a half ish is it coming up on three years or coming up on two years coming up on two years though is it okay July 21 when we started yeah that's right and but it should have started what the beginning of the year in like January right and then I kept getting pushed and pushed and pushed because of that damn coven ants I couldn't believe it yeah the the pandemic is things oh that's another problem that's gonna get me uh yeah I'm gonna have to have a little disclaimer on this one yeah anyway um so yeah so that's how we met um so I guess my first question going into this um was that your first introduction to martial arts it was my first ever introduction to martial arts in a lot of ways before going into Alta slash work to worry and I was aware of the UFC and I was aware of what it was because when I was in the height of my drinking days Conor McGregor was the biggest thing in the world so I was aware of it from an outside of perspective but I had never participated in anything like that at all and I've done a little bit of karate Tempo when I was a kid but I wasn't very good at it so I was pulled out of that quite quickly but yeah it was my uh first ever exposure to anything of that caliber yeah so your first time participating yes yeah yeah so just in like a sentence or even a couple words like overall how did you find that program terrifying terrifying which is like overall like the sorry after the fact so you it's said and done um how did you find it I found it very very rewarding yeah very rewarding like the the most rewards come out of the hardest jobs in my opinion right I agree I'm going through something like that was incredibly punishing at the time yeah the like we were put through the ringer and and that um and I remember just when it was all said and done it felt like the biggest biggest accomplishment and that I'd ever done I remember when I was going through my drinking days and my drug days I was like I remember talking to my therapist and I was like I want this like like Redemption like I want to feel good again and I want to like come through the other side and I want to be great and like that's literally what it done for me like you know I didn't know what level of heart it was going to be because I was that unfamiliar with like I remember talking to my brother who does Jujitsu he's been doing it for a couple years and I remember texting my brother and asking him what shoes I would need still not a map like that's the level of unfamiliarity so I was always familiar with working out and I liked working out and I liked putting my body through like like pushing it physically but I wasn't ready for that level of extremity in any way yeah like and I think my body and my brain went into shock a little bit over what I was putting myself into I remember we were there the first week and um we were just thrown straight in the deep end I remember being like what the [ __ ] have I done this is not what I signed up for and then like um even when like I talked to competitors now going through him to our reality and they're like oh it's so hard my view is actually like well what did you think you were signing up for yeah you know what I mean like I've gotten to that point now you're fighting the whole point of this is to fight each other literally yeah yeah I was like I had to be punched in the face like I didn't know yeah did you not see the brochure I actually did look up um a couple of fights like they had them on YouTube I think from season five or six maybe like a couple of Seasons back and I remember just my brain like dissociating like I wouldn't even recognize that I was going into this and even when we were coming up to the fight like our finale people are like how do you feel about it I was like I don't feel about it yeah like I'm just trying to not even like think about going in there I was kind of the same way like it didn't for me like it didn't really even though like you know even on flight day um it didn't even translate like I didn't even think about the actual fight until the door to the cage had shut and then I'm like oh [ __ ] like all right you know we're doing this now and then that's when it kind of all became real you know everything was it was all you know it was all theater you know until right then and there and then it's the real deal and then suddenly you know crowd you could see the crowd around you know around the cage and everyone's doing a hollering and yeah that's that's the first time it became real was right there as soon as they shut the gate that was the same with me like I swear to God I could hear that door lock and it felt like it was Amplified times ten it was like I know I couldn't see well like I could see the cradopsy but it's almost like a vacuum my tongue like it was just me and Chris David that I thought and I remember just my brain like going this is now like it's the way that my brain works it's very All or Nothing so it's like we need to do this now this is it this is the end this is everything you've been working for for the past 20 weeks so just do the job do what you know you're being required to do in here absolutely yeah yeah and I remember like because my fight went three rounds and I remember uh the second round we didn't know if it was going to go to a third or not and then they said we forgot your third round we've ten seconds I remember turning to Gustavo going like please don't make me do this please don't make me go back in like I was ready to like hand the fight Chris and beat it up just take it like I don't wanna it's fine like I've had enough I'm done and then I'll see like you know I was like then I think Chris said something to me like it's it's three minutes at work it's just three minutes and then I was like okay it's just three minutes and that'll be over and it'll be done so that's cool yeah it was really cool okay so you found the whole process to be very rewarding now a lot of people when they're doing this type of thing oh I guess a lot of people when they go into something it's going to be this difficult they're usually searching for something um and I so far I've ever run I've interviewed that has partaken in this particular program they've all kind of been you know kind of going through something or you know searching for something or just trying to achieve something not necessarily you know not necessarily a win on fight night but like trying to achieve something now is that something similar for yourself or what what were your reasons for wanting to you know to kind of do this because I think I don't think a lot of people really just kind of on a whim decide they want to you know become a fighter or something certainly that is the case for some folks yeah I yeah so I think the reason that a lot not think I know the reason why is that I wanted to do it was that I was I was I was an addict and I was drinking very heavily and I was taking a shitload of cocaine a real curse on this [ __ ] whether I say whatever the [ __ ] you want thank you [ __ ] yes and I was I loved cocaine more than anything in the whole entire world and my world was very small and very Hollow okay and I was just sitting at home like drinking and doing lines all the time and um they stem from abuse of my childhood and then I was raped at the age of 17 and that just it just like kicked off this whole chain of events and and then I was in Nightlife for a couple years in a previous life I was a DJ I was working in clubs and I got into that in order to drink more and just have access to all these priority drugs and it all came to a head and it was Christmas 2020 and then like on top of the pandemic and I went on this like three-day binder and just like nearly drank myself to death and I remember being like I need something that's gonna like push me out of my comfort zone and focus on myself in a non-selfish way like I need to be able to do something good for myself and my body and my brain working the way that it works I was like I need to think of the most extreme thing the most extreme thing that I can do I'm coming from a background of like childhood abuse and you know rape and sexual violence is for me to go into a situation where someone is touching me or injuring me in a way like it's like a trigger yeah you know it upsets me it like it like like back away back away it's like abort abort and so putting myself into a situated situation like that in order to push myself through was probably the biggest reason I think okay like like it's all kind of like it's all kind of like a vicious circle you know like the I drink because I got abused as a child and then I got raped and then like this causes this and this causes that so in order to break that chain of command I had to throw myself into a situation where like I have to just be vulnerable yeah you know I have to be really vulnerable and when you're in a situation where like you know you're an addict or whatever like a lot of stuff that you do to me was a self-defense mechanism it's very close to us you know what I mean and when you're under the influence a lot that kind of stuff you're not really being you you're being something under the influence of whatever chemical you're on so it came to a point where I had to just throw myself into something and I knew I had to be sober in order to do it because like I couldn't be hungover all the time and we had the early start you know getting up for five six in the morning so I have to be disciplined and discipline is a really big thing for me as well I was a mess like I had no discipline whatsoever like I cancel it on people all the time because I was too hungover I was like late I wasn't doing good at my job you know my whole life was just in total shamble so in order to just get myself to focus on one thing I knew that this was a full-time commitment it's five days a week so I thought that it would put me in a space where I'd be able to focus on the things that I really really wanted as well which was to just get better and what way to get better than doing a sport which commands you in order to be present and doing physical exercise and having to take care of your body yeah I mean that was a really big thing for me as well was being able to take care of myself because I wasn't really taking care of myself when I was an adult you know I was just drink all the time and you know like I wasn't just even like from like a hygiene one debut or like you know doing things that were good for me I wasn't taking care of myself so I knew going into it I would have to like take care of myself in a sense where I had to look after my body and look after myself and look at what I was putting into it and all that other stuff was just off the table so that was a couple of reasons yeah it did quite a few good reasons I think yeah um you know and I'd like to say you know like that that's it's terrible that you had to deal you know to kind of kind of go through those traumatic uh events yeah um you know and you know it looks outside looking in um you know it certainly looks as if you know you've cut you're kind of on the other side of it you know and I I really hope so yeah um you know and this uh like do you credit this program to kind of being the reason or or just like kind of really maybe a driving factor and kind of being the reason to be you know clean and sober today I was credited the program for sure like that was the the starting point and I don't think anyone can ever forget the starting point obviously now it's it's become so much bigger than just like you know what the program was what actually was yeah I mean I've done two seasons of it I went back again after getting the second season and then I became a mentor on the mat helping people through the program themselves and then I have you know I went on to become a strength in the ditching coach as well and now I coach Fridays as well and alter which is great so like it was definitely the starting point and I would if I hadn't have gotten into MMA and Jiu-Jitsu I don't like to think where I would be right yeah I mean I really don't like to think where I would be how difficult was it for you to kind of maintain sobriety through through the through the course like did it was it just like did you have like a few slips here and there or was that just you know from day one you were able to maintain and you know maintain something or it was a little bit difficult at the beginning yeah because I'm a creature of habit so like my routine would basically be like come on at home mom on a Friday and like stay drunk and high like till Sunday I guess so you're probably drinking every day I wasn't drinking every day but I was drinking okay about three or four times a week but once I started I couldn't stop gotcha that's what my problem was so some people like need a drink in the morning when they wake up and they continuously top up throughout the day that wasn't me I was a Binger when I was a hardcore Bender so like once I had one drink it was like I was like no matter what the situation was yeah no matter what the occasion was um sorry I don't know what stuff it was like the drug use is kind of they just went hand in hand was just kind of the same thing yeah exactly they went hand in hand so like if someone used to tell me that when I got to like my third drink it would be like you could see like a switch going off of my brain and next thing like I have my data on speed dial like yeah I mean like I could like get that [ __ ] delivered to my nose in five ten minutes wow easy like and that's that's what made it so hard to stop is because I knew it was accessibility yeah exactly like it would take me longer to walk to the store to get a bottle of wine that it would take for him to get to my house like well yeah yeah so like in terms of maintaining it um it was okay it was fine I knew that I had other bigger things to think about and I did have slay after the first season ended yeah so it was actually in it was in the it was in the February I think because I thought once I went through the program and I'd done everything I got my reward basically so I said oh I'm fine I'm good I can go back to doing what I was doing and then you realize it doesn't actually [ __ ] work that way yeah um so I went I started having another drink here and there and then I went to UFC in London with my brother and I just went on like an absolute like rager and I remember I came home from whatever party I was at in London I ended up with some random party and I came back from the party and I had a flight to get at like 11 at this when I was like 12 maybe and I got into the hotel at like six and I remember like sitting in the airport and I was like my it felt like my cell had just like dropped from my body yeah and I was like she must can't go through this again and that was the day before this my second season of Altus so I literally went back into altered like the very next day it was like going back to rehab like yeah I was like straight back is that why you went into is that why you did it a second time uh I had already kind of I'd been flirting with the idea of going back a second time because even like the first time was so punishly punishingly hard um but I felt like I like the second season was due to start in March I think and I'd started drinking into February and I was like maybe I should go back and try this again and see it sticks and so it was like half and half I'd already been flirting with the idea but then the way that my drinking was going I was like maybe this is a good idea and I haven't drank since then no so how many how many days months weeks um 14 months I think now that's awesome congratulations thank you so much um but like I remember when I went into my first season of I was like it's either this or rehab yeah an outfit was cheaper I was like I'm gonna be there five days a week anyway so you know why not I think the rehab was like five or six grand or seven Grand yeah yeah not American money which I know is like a hundred thousand a pop or something if you're lucky like yeah it definitely depends definitely depends what happened so I chose that instead yeah well first of all I said congratulations you know I think that's I think it's awesome and I know like a lot of folks struggle with it I think I think it's more common than you know maybe what we uh perceive it to be you know because I I think everyone probably has a first-hand experience of someone who has is either dealing with or who has struggled with you know some sort of you know addiction to you know some sort of illicit you know drugs or alcohol or anything really you know and yeah just off top my head I can think of at least four um you know of like people that I know and unfortunately [Music] two of them aren't around anymore you know um yeah it's it's tough it you know and I I think it's fantastic that you you know basically kind of able to overcome it and you're able to use this this program in a positive way yeah absolutely like there's just so many different like everyone has their different ways about it like I went to I went to AA yeah I went to Alcoholics Anonymous I don't like what I think was like 40 meetings in like 40 days and like first of all like disclaimer like no offense to anyone who uses this program as their um as their tool I think if it works for you that's absolutely wonderful and Brilliant but it wasn't for me and yeah whatsoever I was like oh I remember like being in a meeting one day I was like all of you are [ __ ] insane like yeah like I need to go and I tried cooking the Cocaine Anonymous as well um and a lot of them are very like they say it's not religion based but in my view it was religion based um but once again if that was the article at very least spirituality I said they say like you know you you know you need a higher higher power in order to succeed yeah so for that higher power could be anything like you know that this doorknob could be your higher power as long as you're relying on that to get you through but for me the way my brain works like I I need like something physical in order to like keep my mind busy like relying on my mind alone isn't necessarily something that I could always do so I needed to go like physically do it and that's what I loved about the program and MMA and the support in particular is that like there's always something to keep my mind busy like there's always something like new to learn and it keeps my body busy as well so it works in tandem which is great um but I went to Like Cocaine numbness that didn't work either um and then I started with the idea of got your rehab as well to see if like going away for a month would try and fix me and or try and make me better or whatever you want to call it but I I think if I left maybe I just would have gone back to the same old thing yeah so no like which of the two were harder to kick or was it easy I don't say easy but was it a you know like the alcohol or the cocaine was that well kind of easy to do them both or to get rid of them both at the same time or well I never done cocaine sober okay like I never done this ever it was only when I was drinking okay so kicking the alcohol was much harder than kicking the drug and because I knew that if I didn't start drinking then would like you know the other one wouldn't come after but I think the issue with kicking alcohol in particular is that like our country is just so washed with it like no matter where like you get off the plane and do an airport and you see like a big thing for like Dennis and James and like it's impossible to get away from yeah and now we're lucky that like you guys you have a whole tourism industry building literally a whole tourism industry based your own drinking and even like I'm even when you I said like when you get off the plane you just see it everywhere and I think No Matter What occasion it is as well in particular like it there's always a time for it because there was a time for right yeah I mean yeah so but now like buyers have gotten very good with having alcoholic options like most bars I go to would have a non-alco option available whether it's a Heineken zero or you know a drink on tap and like it does get easier as time goes on but that's the only thing you have to give it is time yeah like it's literally like a day by day process I I look I I have done a few difficult things in my life and I can't imagine like I said just knowing having first-hand experience with others who have had addictions you know and a couple of them have kicked it you know and it gets tough for sure and like again I just thank you seriously because I know it's not easy no it's not because it's it's ripping away a world of everything that you know it's a it's like a it's your safe space especially if you've been through something you know traumatic you know like it is it's taking away your safe place yeah and what I always used to say was or what I still say is that like when it would always like turn down like this end in my head and my brain is always running constantly and it would always turn down and just make me forget about anything that I'd been through and it's not that I wasn't happy with necessarily with who I was I was unhappy with the way that I was feeling all the time so when you put something like that into your body it's just it just dulls everything and it puts you in a safe space and then you get to like the tank drink and like you're at like a gas party like in the morning like still even Minds being like what the f am I doing here yeah I mean and a Bitcoin was like a miserable existence at that point so there's a there's a Tipping Point for it where it makes you feel good and then you're just relying on it because it's all you know yeah yeah so I'll tell overall rewarding clearly yeah um you know so now you had mentioned before that you are now a PT yeah yeah yeah so I decided to do a pre-key course sorry is that something you had you know previous thoughts about you know maybe even before you know kind of the whole Ulta thing or is this something that just kind of is because of you know your your completion of the program and I felt like it was just a Natural Evolution yeah yeah and I mean I felt like that it was a great way to help others become the best version of themselves that they can be yeah I wanted to be able to pay it forwards in any regard that I could like I got so much help during my original season with you and to my second season as well and I knew that I wasn't able to become educator MMA coach just yes okay so I was like maybe there's another way that I can still keep people moving you know like literally and figuratively and and then I had signed up for that that was back in January and I recently completed it and then I was helping I was helping coach on Fridays and Alto which is the strength and conditioner morning and I was a little bit afraid about how it was going to go and how it's going to make me feel because I was also like who the [ __ ] am I to tell these people like what they should be doing or what they can be doing and then I was like no I am that person because I've been through that fire and I've been in their shoes and I've been that person on the map maybe thinking oh I can't do this or I'm not capable of this and I'm the person to tell you that you can you know what I mean and it was just a great seed into helping making people feel good and as I said wanting to pay it for it yeah I think for a lot of people you know who make her struggle and struggling with like self-doubt you know they're doing something difficult like this just to have someone kind of say like no like you can do this you just you know you had like like you said with Gustavo in your fight it's three minutes work you know that maybe help put in perspective a little bit for you you know it's yes you can do this just do it or you know try to it's the encouragement is you know I I don't think a lot of people get the kind of encouragement that they need or maybe they don't maybe they're not surrounded by people who would otherwise give that to them you know so it's they struggle with trying to you know accomplish anything really you know whether it be you know weight loss or addiction or anything you know it's certainly helpful to have someone who can say yes you can when all they can think is no I can't yeah absolutely and when you talk to someone like a question that I love asking people when they say something like I can't do this or I can't do that and like says who who is telling you this because if you want me to go talk to them I'll talk to them and then they'll go oh it's me and I'm like oh so it's me that has to talk to you what what's that that's called being a coach yeah so seeing people get in the way of themselves is the worst thing in the world because it just it's a barrier to so many possibilities you know what I mean coming from a background like myself where I didn't know anything about MMA how do you think about it and I literally showed up every [ __ ] day regardless of how I felt what like you know he was telling me what and most of the time it was myself telling me what that you can't do this you can't do that so I just hate the idea of someone standing in their own way because the only one ever standing in your way is you like that's like it like 96 of the time and you're right about your pointer you're on about Gustavo like it was the last three minutes of that program and he was still there going you can do this you can do this you can do this you can do this Shadow to Gustavo by the way one of the best dudes in the world 100 um so I was like I just now that I had gotten it I was like I want to make someone feel that way because throughout my life I felt like I never really had much I wouldn't say encouragement what I never really was my own cheerleader and I felt like no one else was really cheerleading me on either the club scene can be quite quite Hollow and transactional again I mean like you're gonna do a job you're giving away a serious amount of energy all the time and while you're getting energy back if you're doing a performance like a DJ performance like it's it's very like I'm how do I say this it can be great to feed off it but like when you come down from all of that you can feel quite depleted so I needed something in a more constructive manner I knew that I wanted to do it so yeah that's great so how long was the course where do first of all what course did you attend where was it so it was there a place called Elite Fitness performance okay Elite Fitness and Performance Academy which is at BlackRock and it's a 13-week course part-time so it was any every evening on Tuesday and Thursday for about an hour or two hours online and then you do a full day in the gym on a Saturday so that was okay 10 until four it's actually the same course that Sean fitstone yeah yeah SVG yeah so that's where I got the inspiration from very good so what uh so now that you've uh completed it what are your aspirations to do now I teach when are you open your when are you open a new gym hashtag Crystal coaching coming to a gym um I don't know yet I haven't really decided um I I'm still coaching Fridays at Alta okay which is a great starting point and I do want to get to a part a point where I start taking clients but I've been so busy with um Ulta and mentoring the past years that I think when the next season ends I'm probably going to start preparing for another fight I want to start entering a couple of jujitsu competitions as well because I haven't really had much time to compete okay um so I think the PT course well the PT clients and training will come in its own time yeah further down the line I think for sure yeah it's great yeah keep uh keep rolling with it absolutely okay so you just went on a or sorry speaking of the Jiu Jitsu and want to do that more you were just in Portugal for a jiu jitsu retreatitude you make it sound so fancy you're Jujitsu retreat me too with like champagne and canopies no they mean you're with Boogie chunks what was that um what gym did you go to um so it was a place called uh Shinobi mixed martial arts which is in Lagos and it's run by guy called um and he was fantastic and it was run by an academy called Silverback which are based in Wexford and they have one in Dublin as well in Newcastle and so a couple of the coaches from there put it on and then it was just wonderful like being able to train in that environment for so you do two classes a day you would do one in the morning spend like half times 12 I think and then you would do one in the evening from about four to a half five six I think and then you would maybe do something a little in between them and like you would jump into the theater you go do a run um but it was just a wonderful with being in a place with so many different people and so many different belt rankings and the environment of being in a bubble as well where I didn't have to worry about my day-to-day life you know which can sometimes poses a distraction away from coming to class or going some class you know you've got a glass and you're straight back into whatever you're doing in your day so it was really really good to learn in that environment and the weather was like beautiful it was like 29 degrees and I felt like I learned a whole bunch which was awesome yeah uh how many people over there I think there was a bad I've seen pictures is it good couple dozen yeah it was pretty busy I think maybe about 25. yeah yeah but 25 years everyone no certainly not everyone was Irish not everyone was Irish no there was a whole bunch of um well I think everyone from I think everyone there was based in Ireland oh really possibly maybe one or two people wearing I think some people came from Poland possibly or maybe somewhere over that way but most people were based on academies in Ireland oh well yeah which ones or no um I wasn't gonna say no I was just saying like that that's great I'm jealous um you gotta go I want to go I'd love to do one you gotta go um I think the white talkies that make you go my wife uh do we need a babysitter um we need a lot of things you can pay for those things yeah um what I really want to do is I want to go uh like to Thailand to do all right we're gonna end this now ah no um you're always okay so like the last month you're always traveling you're always doing something whether you were just in Disney I was you jerk and things like I like Disney um I I want to take my kids there but in a little bit of time because they're still young um then you're Portugal and then Spain before that [ __ ] you this is what happens when you have no kids and a shitload of this book from giving up drink like later like I think my drinking and joke habit cost me about like easy about like 400 Euro a week like wow really yeah so you got it turns out you got a shitload more money when you give up all these things that are you know I'll say um years ago in my 20 like early 20s I used to consider myself like a professional alcoholic because I would pretty much like I was a very high functioning you know and um and the reason why I kind of got off it I wouldn't say it necessarily had an issue like a problem it's just it was the sociable thing to do with the people that I was wrong so I like I used to be in the military and everyone drinks in the military and then that's how you that is how you have fun and like it much like Ireland like there's an issue you know with you know alcohol being the kind of like the the thing that everyone does like the same thing like there is an issue with it in the military um but at the time like I said that it's it was a sociable thing so that's what we you know I just blew all my money on that and when I got out and I came home I kind of had to stop because I had no money yeah see that's where you and I differ is that I would find the money somehow well there but there's also a fine line between being wild in your 20s and doing what everyone does in their 20s which is like you know go out have fun stay out all night and then oh no this I was pretty reckless like I was every night two hours of sleep show up possibly I'm beyond um uh statute of limitations yeah I was like still drunk uh showing up to work and I mean to be fair like the whole shift was uh you know so you know and I was working directly with planes and stuff like this we were like loading and unloading planes possibly you know we could still blow numbers I think um and I'm out of their jurisdiction I don't give a [ __ ] beautiful anyway um yeah I know like it was an issue but I think it was a cultural issue as well and um you know again like I said I was drinking pretty much every day I think like once a month we might take two or three days off just to calm down and recuperate and definitely around payday yeah um or just before payday we'd have to we have to take a break but um yeah I know like I said I I don't like I don't necessarily think I had an issue with it but everyone says that I think you know maybe um like it's really hard to confront something like that you know like first of all thank you for sharing that second of all like I like some people return to me and go like you have a problem and I'd be like what the [ __ ] like I'm like how dare you say those things you know like it's very hard to go I think I have I think this is something I possibly need to look at yeah I mean and most people will look at it from if you like oh like I need it for my health or you know I need it for because of money like you know they'll try it's kind of like an external reason yeah versus going I'm [ __ ] and I really need some help so but I said like things like you grew out of it yeah I I think that that's probably what it was and like I certainly don't want to you know make it sound like you know I had similarity to yourself or like you know what I mean like I'm not trying to yeah but there's also not like there's not like you know there's not like levels like you know there's not like oh my my addiction is more foreign like this whole like white nighting of like oh you're not an addict enough like that's that's you know that's horseshit that doesn't matter I do remember one of the things I had said and mighty this is all when I was younger is like I said that like I won't I say drink and drive in my head drink and drive meant like I won't be drunk and drive and then I remember I did that once and I remember after that I'm like maybe I should calm things down because yeah it would like and you know it's crazy like I remember even even now thinking about it wasn't necessarily that I was worried about like you know injuring anyone I was more so worried like the monetary uh effect of it like if I got pulled over like and where I lived that the minimum you know on average minimum 10 grand that it's gonna cost you between you know like your car being impounded and lawyers Geo all that stuff and I'm like I don't have that like it's it's just not worth it so you know now like yeah the the yeah it it was that that's helped kind of made me reassess maybe uh how often I I drink um I don't necessarily think it made me stop but it didn't make me stop um but it uh made me think about maybe when yeah and you know the appropriate the appropriate time yeah yeah like every like you know you can have different looks on it I guess yeah I mean you can go well I don't want to do this because this might happen yeah I mean like what's the what's the cost I guess yeah I mean what's the cost of things for you that might have been oh I don't have the money to pay for this or I don't have the money to pay for that so everyone looks at it differently yeah no and now like I don't drink at all um and it's not that I don't um because I certainly the last time we hung out like I had a couple I was just meant to be like you did but like I don't like I have a cabinet at home that's full of booze that I don't drink um and it's just like one I don't like to drink at home um unless I guess I was with people um or that was the other thing is like I don't drink alone oh okay when I kind of found myself drinking like you know more than one yeah like I might have a beer with like dinner or something yeah I was living by myself yeah but like um like I wouldn't drink a lot by myself and you know there's one to twice where I found myself doing that like okay reassessing things well now now I have kids and ever since uh kids I really haven't really haven't tried much at all um and then there's like a friend of mine's 40th I got really bad like I was thrown out of whelans and oh my God you were not trying out that's a really low class I would have thrown out I was asked to leave okay okay that's way lashing yeah yeah um and needed like I was just you know to be fair um I I had like unofficially broken my toe at the time and this is around uh our finale um and so I was like self-medicating because I had like some leftover painkillers because my toe was [ __ ] um like my whole thing was like I should have I really should have went to the doctor but like my thinking was is if I do that they're not gonna let me fight so I just like screw it like I'll just deal with it um and this was like two weeks before no I think it was maybe it's a month before um and then it's like I'm just not risking it so I just I'm like it's my toe what are they gonna do like they can't really do anything no I never caught my toes being jacked yeah well um what had happened was is I had went to go uh I I threw a kick and um the person hadn't moved and I hit their knee what was this is this during training yeah um and I hit there I hit their knee and like I felt it right then and there but uh you know I kept going and everything but anyway like I said I remember going home and it was like I think it was like that weekend I had to go out to this 40th and um I'm like there's like I can't walk on it so like the only way I'm gonna get through this is uh like I had some leftover um like good painkillers from like a year or two prior and I'm like all right time for you guys to come up and I remember telling myself and even I told Allison my wife going into this like all right I'm not gonna drink that much and um I think I had like a beer or two and I'm like I can't walk so like I took I I had like two or three of them with me and I I took one and um and that led to me like is that really messed me up and you shouldn't be taking basically opiates and alcohol together and that that was a mistake because like so then you end up getting thrown out of whales and low rent that's a really good point though but um you're saying you were going to drink you weren't going to drink like during the during the program I remember it was it was the next day uh I think it was like the next day or the next couple weeks we had to we had to go somewhere I can't remember it was like a christening or something and I couldn't go and I remember uh oh [ __ ] no this is that's a different time never mind the opiates um but I remember like during my season I think we would be in the gym on a Monday and people would be like oh what did you do on the weekend and they were like I was out all night like you know I was at a weekend on the bag and I'm wrecked and I was like what the [ __ ] I was like coming from someone who like would go anywhere high or drunk I can't even imagine like even being the least little bit of return I don't think I drank although during my um sorry to interrupt during my intro class I was really hungover yeah because it was my birthday the night before it was my 30th birthday and I remember I had it a lot of people over and I remember it was about I think the class was not like 10 and it was about maybe one or two and I was like I should probably like go to bed and I remember being on the bat I'm like whereas like [ __ ] Tumblr or something and I was like and I was like if this isn't a sign if this isn't a sign then I need to quit that I need to just maybe take a look around yeah it's designed no um what was I saying um I don't remember what I'm saying I'm gonna edit this part out yeah no uh I don't remember what I was saying it's fine oh uh sorry uh what I was saying before uh like during the program I don't think I drank at all during with the except with maybe two exceptions but yeah only one of or only a couple like I I was never drunk yeah I might you know like I said like I would be a very uh not casual like I would drink with food or you know have something with food that's just called being a responsible drink okay yeah I was responsible I guess like uh because I do like beer you know what I mean like out there it's great um but that I I'm confident in when I say that I think that was the only night that I had kind of went crazy and I I blame opiates for that yeah yeah like thanks Pfizer yeah [Laughter] um to be fair it wasn't it's not even advisor product that I was taking I'm just gonna say that it was probably the soccer family yeah they run they they run they made oxycon yeah it's the one that you can show up your bum and um it gets you it'll it gets you high faster and it lasts for longer it lasts for like 16 hours I don't need to be drunk or high that long do you you think you think that and then it happens and you're like oh that was the best time ever I got it once after an operation they asked me if I wanted it or really mainly I was like that's not the first time I've been asked that question I was on a roll all day I was like this is the best thing ever okay on that note um sorry so just to transition here you're you're gay yeah yeah I assume openly openly yeah you are now um how do you feel about like has that been an issue at all like training with anyone because well I'm not gonna I don't mean this in a bad way but like it's not in obvious that you know what I mean that you know you're that you're gay um you know but like it does that ever pose an issue like have you ever had like any negative interactions um I have had negative interactions not with anyone that I've trained with of course with what I would consider the the fan base I guess plant-based of anime so this is a great this is a great interesting point that you've raised because I remember before I went into Ulta inventory and homophobia was a really big concert of mine yeah I remember walking in on the first day and first of all I was like oh my God like these are just like it was my own unconscious bias I want to make that clear okay and I was like you know oh my God these are not my people and like you know I I don't know how people are going to react to me here um and then I remember like working with people and I was like waiting for it to come open one way or another and no one ever raised it and then the priority me was like oh my God why is no one like bringing up this thing like why is no one like talking about this like I thought I was gonna not be well received here and then everyone was so welcoming and loving and the staff in the Jammer grade all the coaches are great and no one ever brought it up but anyway whatsoever so then I felt like I really found a community and a home and then I remember there was an incident like during my second flight where like you know just like slurs were thrown at me really yeah really yeah well yeah really um but like by the crowd or by the crowd yeah someone called me a [ __ ] um that's intense yeah literally right before I was about to fight um and then there was like Nation was cornering me and Aiden was querying me and they said that they were kind of continuously being thrown at me throughout the fight and it's something that's come to a little bit more prominently I think especially with like you know like Josh Medina coming out in the UFC like yeah it is he came out as bisexual only because someone had leaked a video of him yeah and onto my YouTube video of him and being intimate with a man so I always knew that this was a this could have been a thread or it could have been an issue but I'm pleased to report that it's like a really small percentage like it's a really small minority if you know but the the issue raises about is that I don't want to justify that like it's okay because it shouldn't be okay it should be zero yeah no yeah for sure yeah we're very like obviously variable because you have like lots of lesbians and like you know MMA and combat sport we have like modeling Han you have a Nunes like so many people here are high profile but in terms of gay men I don't think I've actually ever met another gay man who deals MMA I don't think I have no and no I think I was the only game that was for a very long time but then again like you know sexuality in particular is like it's something that people can keep to themselves not everyone has to be out you know like yeah not sure like you know it's it's someone's prerogative whether they want to do that or not they're copy people there we just don't know about them yet and their time will come when they are ready to do so and when they feel comfortable but in terms of me I think it's I think I think my presence is very important I I think we need to normalize this because I don't want it to I don't want anyone's sexuality being a barrier yeah to any sport that they want to get involved in of course we have rampant homophobia and many different sports it's not just MMA we have football rugby you know it's across the board well I don't want anyone to think that they can't go do the thing because of who they sleep with or because of who they love what matters is what you're doing on the mats what matters is your performance what matters is your training what matters is your dedication here's everyone shouldn't come into any of those questions whatsoever I agree in any shaver form and it's so important and I would also love to see more queer people getting involved in it from myself to spend self-defense aspect as well yeah I mean you know that can be my next question here great um we've still had so many homophobic um attacks going on in this country and worldwide and people should know how to defend themselves like just so they can Defuse The Situation not to incite violence in any way yeah for sure to make sure that they can defuse and protect themselves and walk down the street feeling proud and secure and confident like before this I would be like walking down the street you know like huddled over and you're like don't look me don't look at me and now I walk down the street holding High holding my head high and you don't you look at bullies and people career to attack people look for like whatever's the easiest Target they're not gonna go for someone who's confident walking down the street minding their own business because they know that they can't get anywhere you know that that's one of the things that you know I've really been able to my confidence level you know from training doing Jiu Jitsu and MMA and everything like that my overall confidence level has you know skyrocketed now I wasn't necessarily anyone who ever I guess really struggled with it or maybe I should say I didn't necessarily realize I struggled with it until you know maybe until I did this because now like I am like I'm super confident now you know when it when it comes to just everyday life you know just being in public being at work public speaking like that kind of thing nothing I'm sorry but like there's very little that's scarier than standing in a ring against you know looking across you know at someone who wants to physically hurt you yeah and is in a legal or uh they're they're in a situation where it's legally acceptable for them to physically hurt you yeah you know so like it it there's not a lot scarier than that and then to be able to accomplish that and come out on the other side of that has just you know really boosted My overall confidence level even though you know maybe it didn't warrant but um you know it's never unwanted I would not like that's putting yourself at a level already below what you've accomplished you know what I mean like it's never in warranted in any way and that's what I want for the gay community in particular like we need more gay dudes in that cage yeah I mean kicking ass showing what we can do and showing that there's just so many different fast edits too have you ever have you had anyone reach out to you specifically and you know that may have been gay and was interested in what's going on no sadly not um I don't know if it's just because it's it's it's a world that is so unfamiliar to them in in general that what I haven't I don't think I've ever had anyone reach out to me and go hey this is something I want to do and do you have any advice on it I have to spoke to a lot of gay people about it and lots of people are interested but but I haven't seen anyone make the leap just yet all right yeah well we heard it here first talk to your boy Derek um all right here look um running out of time here I really appreciate you coming in I loved having you on here and I want to have you back again thank you so much for having me it's a date yeah definitely all right uh talk to you later talk to you later this is awkward [Music] three thanks babe [Music] thank you foreign