Road to Recovery, Shane Hughes. #1

Summary

I spoke to Shane about his relationship with alcohol and other substance's from an early age how it started to how far it progressed before he finally decided to call it quits. it wasn't easy nor immediate there was a lot of ups and downs in his stories but he is now going on 6…

Transcript (youtube_captions)

[Music] so I'm going to be here speaking to Shane today Shane will be coming up on nearly six years recovery he's he's coming up on six years recovery in December so congratulations first on getting that far as far as you have today and uh I wanted to this is a subject I think at the minute I think is it's not overlooked but it's there's a problem with the the uses of substance whether it's be prescribed non-prescribed so this has really sparked my interest and we kind of got in contact to talk about it so congratulations so far but it hasn't been an easy Road for you I would think so how are you on thank you for your time but how does it feel to be coming up on a on a milestone like that thanks a million um yeah it's great to be chatting about this and um it's it's kind of scary at times when I think about it um like how long it's been um it doesn't feel that long sometimes like especially if you're having a tough day or something like that and um you can bring it can bring me back sometimes to the mindset that I used to have you know 247 but it's um I kind of live my life today you'll hear people in recovery always saying one day at a time um and it is like that I I literally I don't count the days anymore I know my my clean and sober dat um but I don't I don't count anymore so it is literally just every day I wake up I go Jesus thank God uh I go to bed and I say thank God yeah no it must be hard and you mentioned there obviously you don't count the days anymore and it is still one day at a time with the length of time that you've been sober I would think people would be under the presumption of it's been that long it must be easier for them now but that wouldn't be the case like that that really like especially with prescription pills or like said non prescribed whatever your your choice of poison was um it's still is every day like you said when you have a bad day it's so easy to to think back to that mindset yeah yeah it is um I mean the last couple of years um I've been working with a couple of people that are in recovery as well and it's really really helped me and you'll hear people in recovery again talking about 12-step programs and different fellowships and meetings and things like that that you can go to and they've saved my life without without doubt that's that's what saved my life that's why I'm here today um uh I I I believe I've got a a disease um of addiction um which causes me to be you know obsessed with with either using or drinking or whatever the addiction might be at that time um once I have one I can't stop um I phys I physically can't stop um but yeah like in the last couple of years it's it's things have been amazing for me um I feel like I've got a few little barriers in front of me it like from the from from a relapse whereas in early recovery it's it's petrifying because you don't want to go back the last couple of years of my drinking and using was against my will like I didn't want to drink and USS but I couldn't stop um so the first I'd say the first year once I realized i' got as far as I've I've ever been I was kind of like holy [ __ ] it was like climbing up on a really tall L and you're scared of heights and you look down you go [ __ ] but um no like I have to say the last couple of years I feel I feel amazing I feel really strong in recovery um but it took me a long long time to get to that place yeah I'm glad obviously you got so far and you've done so well but I kind of want to go back to not even when you realized or t like you said it was kind of against your will you kind of you had to drink but like what was you kind of like what did you start if you're comfortable talk about like what was it that you start was it drinking you to do was drugs as well what was involved in what was your kind of earliest memories of drinking and doing that and and how did it kind of get introduced to it um like from a very young like when I was really young I moved over to England and like I'm from toore originally and um my family moved over to England and we lived above pubs in England we moved around a lot we lived in I think three different pubs in England um so I was always around alcohol even when we were in toore my mom and dad had a pub um whenever we go to visit family or um go on holidays or something like that you'd always stop in a pub or a hotel on the way there and as a kid you'd be you know you'd have a fizzy drink and a a packet of crisps and the parents you get lettered it's I always say that if I see a glass bottle of Coke and a packet of tato that is the the the all Irish sign of neglect yeah a kid playing on a pool table by himself yeah but you'd be delighted you'd be delighted cuz you you drink drink more coke than you've ever been able to drink and you you'd be just bought crisp SPS you and you got to see all your cousins or all your friends and it was probably the best time ever for you at the time yeah yeah like it was like there wasn't um like I had a good childhood I had really good childhood I'm I'm blessed with that I'm blessed with the family that I have um but yeah like the the crisps and the fizzy drinks like what what did you get from Santi I got diabetes um but it was uh yeah that was my my earliest memories like there was always was alcohol around always in pobs very very young age when I lived in pobs um like I'd see people drinking in the mornings and and stuff like that so it just it was normal um that was like normal to me so when I got to that early teens kind of age where I was my head head state was like I need to escape I need to do something whether it was smoking cigarettes or or drinking I always wanted to do something um that was that was going to get me out of my head so I'd say yeah from a very young age like I've always been around alcohol yeah and with the obviously you're saying you seen people obviously you now now looking at that people coming in and drinking that early in the morning you know that now that's not normal but at that time you didn't know any especially when you're young growing up you don't know any different that's what you see on a day-to-day basis you're not going to know any better so from there like between drinking and smoking like what were your kind of like early 20s like was it just drinking all the time was it drugs involved yeah I from God from the age of 16 drugs drugs came into things started smoking actually probably younger than that I was in school I was smoking a lot of weed um again it was one of those things I never took to I never really enjoyed it but I did it because the lads around me were doing it um and we do it during the day at school we'd go around someone's house in the evenings and do it then at the weekends we'd get we'd get drink we we' go to House parties all that type of stuff and then when I got to 18 it was going to pubs like legally drinking in pubs and that's when things like party drugs like Coke and and pills and stuff like that came into it um and yeah I thought I'd arrived once I once I started on the party drugs I thought like I think everybody's most people's first experience on on things like that is Jesus this is amazing um but uh yeah that my early my early 20s was it was revolved around drinking taking drugs partying there wasn't much in terms of building a life for myself um I didn't really know how to live as an adult as in paying bills paying for cars even like I never really had a legal car um I always had stuff coming through the door like these red letters saying you owe this you owe that I'd get paid and I'd just be like well I drink well this is for drink this is for drugs oh well I've got nothing left else uh for anything else like bills and stuff so it was just Carnage that's just how I lived my life then is mad how when you see the bills coming you're like I have to pay this bill I have to pay this bill I have to pay this bill and you're like I can't even buy myself a sandwich now afterwards before you're like this is for this and that whereas now obviously because you're sober that wouldn't even dream com in like something extra for yourself is kind of nice whereas now it's all build but you saw you said something actually and it intrigued me because I like especially with um I think cocaine and alcohol um predominantly people think it's just kind of certain types of people that use it but I think especially cocaine it's it's it's it's massively all over this country but like what it has no barriers whether it's sex age where you come from and you said obviously you you the good upbring and usually when people associate drugs and drinking problems stuff like that they associate people with uh maybe Jo in areas that are AR that well like that don't have that much going on or the deprived areas but it just shows that it can get anybody can't it yeah not I mean addiction doesn't discriminate um I mean um I remember when I first went into um a recovery room like an AA meeting or an NA meeting or something like that and one of the things that surprised me most was my misconception of what an addict was or what an alcoholic was it was the guy on the Park Bench drinking from a bottle in a paper bag it was um it was the guys on the street live like that were homeless asking you for spare change and things like that that was what I thought an alcoholic or a drug addict was when I went into those rooms I was met with these fresh-faced um really really friendly loving people that were male female old young um there were doctors guards um there were some people that yeah had had horrific upbring ringings and were homeless and unemployed and stuff like that but there was there was 16 year olds in there and there was 70 80 year olds in in the room and I just looked around and we all had the same common problem and we all related with each other because of that um but that was the most confident thing to me when I walked in first was there's always that worry like oh Jesus what if I see somebody I know and it's was like well they're in there as well so um yeah I mean that it doesn't discriminate it really really doesn't yeah yeah no it doesn't discriminate like it could be people from different Sexes ages different areas upper class middle class lower class it all like that once you get hold because CA especially alcohol is legal and it's all over the place anyone can get their hands on like I said cocaine especially now is everywhere like I could literally walk out my door within two minutes probably have whatever I wanted you know the sort of way and then obviously it's getting a bit more scary with the likes of crack and um potentially fent all coming to the streets of of Dublin because I work in dubl City Center you you actually work in City Center as well and it's kind of horrific when you see it there but to get to those meetings you had to actually like what what what like because obviously in your early 20s you were having fun you're doing this you don't care about bills you don't care about cars at that stage it's all a bit of fun but at some stage it does turn like what what was it that turned it for you did you hit a rock bottom or or what was it that made you think right this needs to stop I I got into a stage like at the first I always say to people that um if you could get Shane four beers in you'd have the best person around like the best the best company in the world I'd make you laugh I'd tell jokes I could talk to women I could do anything but I couldn't stop um and I would get messy um I do anything I do stupid things when I was drunk I I used to I remember once I jumped out in front of a car just to make somebody laugh like a car driving past and I would take anything like I would take too many of of something I just I didn't care I had no I had no safety seal on on my thinking there was absolutely nothing whatsoever so by the end of a night I was a nuisance to have around sometimes um and I would get myself I remember towards the end of my drinking like I would get quite angry and quite upset and not know why um I'd end up in tears sometimes and I know some of my friends over the years would probably go yeah remember that um but I didn't know what was wrong with me and that was the thing like I would it would get to an end of the night everybody would go home you might even go to an Afters and then everybody would go home and I still wouldn't want to finish um and I would get so depressed and so [ __ ] down and I would get suicidal and that feeling got worse and worse and it got like it was there all the time um I think I got to a stage in my 20s where I kind of thought I was going to die in my late 20s um by Suicide or or by overdose or something like that and I was I'd kind of resigned to the fact I was just kind of calm with the feeling that yeah that's probably my ending and that's that's a horrible horrible way to be um not thinking that I was worth anything to anyone um I I didn't think much of myself so I I always had that thought that people thought that of me as well so I would try so hard for people to like me um or to fit in um so having that feeling and that thought like constantly in my head throwing drinking drugs in on top of that I was I was Lethal yeah it is and there's a big obviously problem with men's mental health and I'm not saying this about all of them but I think a lot of it is fueled by the liks of drinking drugs I think like you said you you were angry and you were crying and you didn't know why and this is just I'm not doctor but I'm just presuming it's probably some sort of it's just you're trying to mask some sort of other issue that you need to kind of work through or get to the bottom of some sometimes people don't even know what that is you know the sort of way they need they need to go talk to someone or whatever but like when you get to that stage and you feel like you're nothing and like you've resigned yourself to basically saying I'm dying young and that's it like that's quite sad to hear that you had to go through that um when like you're nearly six years now but it wasn't like did you try before and it didn't work out was there a lot of stop starts yeah like whenever I'd get myself in trouble with something um whenever I'd um I don't know I'd do something stupid and cheat on a girlfriend or I'd get into a row in a bar or I'd borrow money off someone I should have borrowed money off or something like that I'd go right I'm that's it I'm going to stop now I'm not going to do it anymore that's the last time no more I'm going to behave myself now um and God the amount of times they've tried doing that where I'd say right that's it I'm not going to drink Spirits anymore Spirits is my problem um and I wouldn't drink spirits and I'd go Bas on something else um and I go right that's it I'm not going to I'm not no more drugs no more drugs I'm just me I'm just going to have a couple of bottles of larger sure as soon as soon as I had one it was all systems go like I could not stop even if I wanted to like I couldn't um it was just uh it was Non-Stop it was absolutely nonstop and I couldn't if I didn't have um if I didn't have drink or if I didn't have money for drink I'd be morbidly depressed because I just had nothing else I had absolutely nothing else to me like my family were around that time they were dotted around the world I think my brother was either in England or America I had another brother that was back home in Ireland my parents were in Ireland um and I was I was on my own over in England like for the last few few years and it was just terrible it was terrible like all my friends around me were all um like getting into relationships and doing well in their jobs getting ready to buy houses getting married having kids all that type of stuff and I was still behaving like a 16year old kid and that I just had a drink for the first time like I was in bars with people that were way older than me borrowing money um and I was only happy once I'd got you bobing me hand so I could you know go and drink and then anything else that came with it that that must have been hard as well having your family obviously around the place because that's one of my questions I was going to ask you all your like you said that must have hurt as well your friends moving on and you could see them visibly Moving on but you're still in that same place did that have an effect on you at the time did you think of it at the time or looking back on it now do you think that was probably another issue that exacerbated my my uh drinking problem Oh I hated this I hated when I used to see Lads that I used to hang around with having four or five beers and then saying right I I'm heading off I've got work tomorrow or I'm heading down to the girlfriends or no I'm only having one tonight because I'm driving um and they'd have nice clothes and they'd have nice cars and they'd go on holidays and things like that and I couldn't do any of those things like literally all of my money went on on drinking um and like drugs as well around that time but it used to break me heart like when I'd see people and I was constantly borrowing money um like every weekend it come up will you let me this will you lend me that and then I'd have the fear in my head right I owe this person I owe that person so you wouldn't go to certain places then because you owe people um oh was a nightmare absolute nightmare yeah robing Peter to pay Paul sort of a thing every week exactly yeah that you're yeah as soon as you get this money you have to go to him give it back to him and then try get money off someone else and um like when they were moving on and they were doing that and with your family all around the world were were obviously were your friendships affected did you have a partner or anything at the time did you have kids right that time were you like how did that affect like your work life your personal life with people or were you working at the time yeah work was always an issue um up until kind of the last six years really um I done well to stay in some jobs um I just I always be late always I was the guy on Mondays that was calling in sick if I wasn't calling in sick I was turning up late saying oh I ran over a cat or something stupid um but uh yeah work was always an issue from like from my very first job I was a mechanic from my first job um and for three years I was late pretty much every day um and I remember it used to drive me boss crazy he'd be like what are you doing like like can you not just get up in the morning I was like yeah I can I I sleep through me alarm of course I wasn't saying like I'm out every night getting absolutely plotto but um yeah jobs was always an issue um relationships as well I always struggled in relationships because I couldn't really explain at that time what I felt was wrong with me because I didn't know myself um whenever anybody got close to me whether it was a relationship or a good friend or family member or something and they were around me long enough they'd see that my drinking was you know it was ridiculous like it was I drank way too much and I couldn't stop um I couldn't control myself um I couldn't look after money all those types of things but like I wouldn't do things I was supposed to do with partners and I wouldn't go to family gatherings and things like that I just wouldn't show up um and I was just constantly in this anxiety as well of um what people people thought of me and stuff like that it was it was constant so relationships and work I always always struggled with um really really badly yeah i' I'd say that and like that the family functions and you were saying that you're worried about what people think about you and isn't it funny because I've seen it myself with people and even myself I've done it in in my days is what you do is I'm really nervous about meeting this people so what I'm going to do is I'm going to get absolutely shitfaced and then make an absolute show of myself but that that is the thinking though isn't it it's like I want to get this to loosen up but then you like you said you start having a bit of crack with them they start having a bit crack with you and then it's like like you go overboard then and then then you're not allowed back to anymore family functions if if you did go in the first place um but like I said with the a lot of the stop start stop starts um you obviously you gave me your date I think it was the 20th December obviously six years ago so when you started like you said when you got to the first year and you couldn't believe you you gotten that long by the sounds of things even if you had got to like three months probably would have been a long time as well yeah but once you kind of what was that first year like how did your life dramatically improve because I know there's going to be some things that obviously as time goes on will get better and better but straight away what were the uh the best effects of giving up drinking I suppose the the first when I tried to stop drinking um and and take well no when I start uh tried to stop drinking um before I ever went to like a recovery room or meeting or anything like that the most I ever got was I think three months that seemed to be where I started to feel and look better and I'd get to that stage where Jesus I'm all right do you know what I mean I I can probably have a beer um or celebrate or Pat myself in the back and go geez that was a good hard three months you should have a point for that um but when when I first went into like an AA room and and stopped drinking and that was 2013 the first time I I I tried going to a meeting and I managed to get two and a half years of like no drinking but I was still using um other substances now at the time it was an improvement on what I was doing because I was drinking towards the end of my drinking it was it was drinking Around the Clock it was waking up in the morning drinking what I had left going to the shop getting some more sometimes stealing um hoping that a family member would give me a dig out with money wasn't eating much so going from that to not drinking and you know still using prescription meds it was an improvement um I could start working again um I could start being around people more I could think clearly I could it was such a huge Improvement but I was still suffering a bit because about two years in I started to go to other meetings for for drugs because my um my use of prescription drugs from a very young age was again it was out of control um I if something says take two every four hours I take four every two minutes um it was just no direction whatsoever I had no safety in my head as to oh that's too much um so whether it was pain meds um sleep medication um an anxiety medication I would take three or four times more than what I was supposed to uh and that started to take its toll on my health um and I thought right I'll go to another meeting I met some people in the in the AA meetings and they said look there's other meetings you can go to um when I went there and tried to stop everything Jesus Christ everything just I couldn't I was just left with me um and all these feelings and all these fears that I had way back when I was I was a kid like be the reason I started drinking and everything was to escape what was going on in my head um and I was always like a a fearful kid um I was Al I never really knew what I was scared of but I was also always just full of fear that's the best way I I can describe it I was a very anxious kid and when I took away all the all the tablets and all the alcohol and it was just me I I went crazy um I couldn't cope the anxiety and depression and everything was through the roof um I didn't do what they asked me to do in AA I literally just stopped drinking and I thought that was my problem but they say um they say in the meetings as well like alcohol comes in bottles alcoholism comes in people um I I took the alcohol away but I was still full of all the isms um and all the rest of it and um I really struggled really really struggled and I went off the rails at that point well that would seem quite overwhelming actually that you've gone from 100 back down to zero to try and cope and obviously those medications are going to have effect on your mood on your depression on your anxiety and although you were using a lot of them taking in a normal dosage probably would have been good for you taking away the alcohol but obviously you couldn't do that so how was that that must have been quite intense and quite scary yeah it was when it really really got bad was uh when I became a dad for the first time uh my Elder son was born in 2015 I really really struggled um when he was born um I wasn't drinking at the time but I was taking a lot of tablets I was buying things online that I shouldn't have been buying um I didn't know what was in a lot of the stuff I was taking um I'd come in from work I'd swallow a load of tablets and i' pass out on the couch or on a bean bag or something um and I I've often referred to myself back then as a as a Facebook dad um I'd take pictures with me boy and like all these lovely pictures and stuff like that and people would say you're such a good dad you're you're such a great dad but they didn't know what was going on like behind closed doors that I'd get in from work swallow tablets fall asleep wake up the next morning and I'd be gone out the door you know what I mean I was I wasn't present as a dad I really really struggled at that time and that that just goes to show you the presence of social media and how you can manipulate what people think of you in your life and how it is through social media I think that's a big problem nowadays but that's kind of like in that first year what was it like then obviously with your was I don't know if she was your wife or your part just your partner at the time what was it like with that at that stage that she realized that that this was a problem with you obviously she would have known what had went on before when you weren't there weren't present what was the atmosphere kind of like with her or was it just okay at the time no it was it was it was very tough for her she didn't know why I was doing it um we kind of got together when around the time where I stopped drinking in in 2013 um and obviously my my eldest son came along in 2015 and like she was having to raise him on her own that was incredibly difficult it was her first child as well um so there was all the worries of like for anybody that has uh children the first child is always like there's a lot of anxiety there's a lot of worry over things and I wasn't there for her like she done pretty much everything on her own around that time so that wasn't easy and I wasn't there as a partner either um I I would barely contribute like we pay the the rent on the house and we'd have food in the house that was it um there was not much else that I contributed around that time and that sounds awful and um but I have to be I have to be honest about it as well like I have to own my [ __ ] like when I was in active addiction I wasn't a bad person I was just a sick person desperately trying to get well um and I did things out of character like that and like I love my sons today I love uh I love my fiance but if you give me a drink or a drug that comes first yeah and that's so I've seen it and I've been there kind of with um alcohol and certain substances and like you're not a bad person but the effect of what they have on you has a negative effect on those PE like there is the negative effects on them like you you're not doing something bad it's indirectly you're hurting them in a way and that's obviously what was going on like I said you weren't there kind of contributing much going out and having date nights and because obviously for her first child obviously after having children there's going to be postnatal depression she's a lot to be dealing with as well then on top of that so that must have been extremely hard for but um with those two years up at 2017 um after you had your first child like we said it would have been hard for your partner at the time to be gone through what she got did she give you that push then to get fully clean because obviously what you would have been doing would have been taking a toll on her yeah that from 15 to 17 were probably the hardest the hardest two years um I was hid and drinking uh i' started drinking again like I I I relapsed and I was sneaking it I was driving around in my car drinking naggin and stuff like that um I'd started using class A drugs again I'd started using Coke on a daily basis um and obviously the cost of goes with that when you're trying to support um your fiance and and your son um she never once turned her back on me like she's the most caring supportive person that I've ever met in my whole life I don't know how she didn't get me with an ice pick or something like that when I was asleep um she's just the most caring supportive person like I around that time I was telling a lot of lies as well I was saying that I was going out and going to recovery meetings when I wasn't I was going out and just driving around drinking and using on my own like it wasn't even like I was out socializing and it was just it was absolute hell I was living in absolute um and I could not stop but she always stuck by me she could have left she could have taken um our boy and left but she never did um and like I said it it was a daily thing from I'd say from 2016 to 2017 it was it was every single day um and I couldn't stop wow that that's mad I like that you're not the only one cocaine especially is so easy to hide every day there's a lot of people out out there that you wouldn't know they go home to their house and they sit there and they're on it because like that it's with uh cocaine I think especially you can do alcohol as well once you get your bit of sleep and sober up you can function you can still function you can still do your job to a certain to a good degree like you might never excel in your job but you can get just what's kind of wanted from you done it's the same with Coke it's the same with drink like that once You' had you can't be going in drunk but you can have it after and do not find it ironic that the two kind of most social kind of uh choices obviously cocaine and alcohol people end up doing by themselves it goes from social to to very antisocial yeah I mean it's it's years ago since I drank or used drugs socially um long long time ago but 2017 like leading up to that like 2016 and most of 2017 was like I said on my own um living in fear in a shitload of death um and just thinking what am I going to do what am I going to do like I can't stop um I managed to stop drinking from February I think yeah it was around February time in 2017 um but the other stuff just had me bite the balls it it was it was petrifying because I still had this kind of Cockiness around me that sure I can still take stuff um like I can handle it like I can take this and get on with my life and but I couldn't um and when I wanted to stop that's when the fear would set in for me and and psychosis and um hearing things and seeing things and like it's an absolute living hell that's not overindulgence that's not out partying that's not um socializing too much that's addiction like plain and simple that's being addicted to a substance and you cannot stop um even if you want to and that's a that's a petrifying place to be in because I had all the lies that I had told that I was trying to live so that I wouldn't get caught out I had a son at home I had a fiance at home trying to keep hold of a job and trying to keep all of this away from my family and stuff it was it was full-time job just just trying to live like that yeah it like that sounds like that sounds like a job on top of your actual other like trying to do a horrible job yeah it's it's probably one of the worst jobs now you couldn't pay me to do it but psychosis is something that people don't really talk about much and because I've actually start looking into it recently since I started to talk to people about this and I've seen it myself now looking back on people and they kind of live in their own little world and like that you said you tell these lies and you tell these little like you're not doing it to hurt anyone you're doing it out more shame I think but you live in this little bubble where you think everything's okay I think that's not highlighted enough as well and with the like uh especially the class A you've got the paranoia you've got um like that to hearing things that's that's real like that's well it's not real it's you're hearing it in your head but like that does happen to people you're sitting there and you're just like it could be the smallest Creek in the house that's someone and you're like that's someone coming through the front door or someone's to get me and it's like I have no enemies why is someone come to get me like you know all these crazy thoughts and like the worst thing as well about class A's is because obviously for people who wouldn't know um you can get drugs on credit which is called tick so when you're still when you finished up you're still paying for them you still have to see that person and that's I think is the hardest part would be the hardest part did you find that at any stage yeah like I was thousands in that absolutely thousands um and if it wasn't for family members and something up there I don't know what it is something got me out of it um but yeah like having nothing um and getting yourself deeper in into nothing um like I was getting further and further away from being zero um in the wrong direction um and like I said just that growing fear of [ __ ] I've got a son I've got a fiance we've got a roof over our heads we've got to keep that going but that all of that was second like that was like no I've got to keep I've just I need to get another one I need to get another one and that constant fear and dealers rarely say no yeah they know they know one way or another they're getting their money you know sort of way the money is going to come around eventually um they if they like that they're usually in such like high profit margins or whatever unless they're doing whatever but like they can if it's like that thousands okay you're not going to be there'll be a payment plan set up to L the sort way you will be able to pay it off over time not that it's not nothing to them but they know that money's coming in that's why they won't say no because obviously there's a fear of what happens if you don't pay um but you got through all that which I want to say is fantastic because you went from like it seems like a lot of flipflop and then back and forth and a lot of uh like it feels like you're getting somewhere then you go down but describe to me what the last six years have felt like because you said I said heard someone talking earlier and they said so what else is there to do on the weekends and stuff like that and he goes I think it was he said someone cycling a bike he goes why would someone cycle a bike when you can sit in the P but these all things you obviously you obviously took off Jiu-Jitsu ER SBG to more uh and you start doing all these all these other things as well what like you look back on the last six years like how has your life improved in the long term yeah it's like you mentioned Jiu-Jitsu that's a huge part of of my recovery um whatever it is in Jiu-Jitsu there's some there's some [ __ ] magic in it that really really helps people that are traumatized between their ears um and you sit on the mats with people um and I find it very very similar to to recovery there's no discrimination in there like you sit down different ages different Sexes different sizes different backgrounds but you're on the mats with someone and you're rolling with someone you're equal um like you learn that don't fear the outcome like you get tapped you slap bump you go again you get tapped you slap bump you go again you're learning from mistakes you're you're problem solving so it was it was really helpful for me that time to start tuning into that um and as as as I got further with my recovery I started dedicating more of my time to my recovery um I tried I don't know so many different ways of doing it my way and my way never works no matter what I do um so I had to I had to follow the steps um that were in that recovery program um and until I did that I couldn't get peace between my ears so like they say it's it's a 12-step program I started working with another alcoholic that had been on a similar journey journey to me and he brought me through the steps and you start looking back in your life you do an inventory on your life um you make amends to people you learn about yourself like um it's hard it's really really really hard but the the more you get into it the further you get from the life you had before and you start to learn like what you're about like because I said to you when I was drinking in my early years and stuff I just wanted to fit in all the time I do anything for you to like me um I talk different I dress different it it didn't matter I just I was like this social chameleon that just wanted to blend in somewhere um and then like once I started like working the the recovery program and doing things like I was eating right and doing Jiu-Jitsu and being honest and just everything started changing in my life like literally everything um I had two more Sons um my jobs I wasn't late all the time uh I started getting promotions and things I paying bills being an adult um just not having like huge huge debt like I'm still paying off um some debts today from what I call my past life because I because it was just Carnage from day one um but yeah like the the last six years it's just been anybody that knows me before and after they do often say to me like on the quiet Jesus it's it's amazing what you've done with your life because it is two different people it's completely two different people I don't relate to that person from six years ago anymore um I don't think the same I don't act the same um sometimes when I do see people from that I used to hang around with or drink with or use with back in the day and stuff like that I don't relate to them anymore um sometimes it makes me sad like when I think of like all the good times and stuff but then I look at what I have today um like three little boys of a fiance that I should probably marry we've been um engaged for about nine 10 years um but with a roof over our heads and like I said between my ears like that fear and all that anxiety and suicide thoughts and stuff that's all gone no I'm delighted that you've turned it around and because there is ups and downs like you said it is every day it's everywhere like and there's this Irish culture is is go have a drink but I I think now I'm glad that like there's a lot more zero zero options one thing I don't like about them though is because they're labeled do you remember back in the days you had Becks and if wanted to go out and have a drink like CU my my boss used to do and he'd like know sometimes he'd want go out and have two or three Dr he wouldn't want to have two or three drinks but he'd want to go go out socialize so he just get a beex or whatever John and he get them to pour it into a glass to make it look like he was out drinking cuz there was there this culture of why aren't you drinking kind of you get excluded I think and I think that needs to be done away with you can see it like it's kind of only in his infancy now with all his eares and that will come true because you can probably have better fun if not more fun at a party you can like that you're still a funny person you're still that person you're probably a funnier person and a more pleasant person to be around and you're not waking up in the morning feeling like dead so no congratulations on what you've done it's been absolutely fantastic and I think you really do need to marry her you should have married her after you should have married her after those two years and after you kind of got clean for year for putting up with you for the two years but um yeah she's still putting up at me today to be honest she's got she's got three little mini mes running around the house farting and [ __ ] and eating the place out of it so she yeah she deserves a lot more than me and once thing I want to ask you when you say like some people who knew you before and after do um and they said to you like Jo fair play whatever how does that make you feel I know you said you don't relate to that person but in your thinking that at that time you are going to be alive at this stage do you you know the sort of way yeah you've completely remapped your life you've changed probably a lot of people's life for the better because obviously with n Anonymous and Alcoholics Anonymous um you sponsor people as well like do you do any of that and how fulfilling is that to be able to pass on advice and experiences you've had to other people to try and keep them off the drink because I believe that like it's like you said it's very easy to relapse how is it for you to not that you're 100% accountable for them but you're there's like you're I don't want to say accountable but you've got a responsibility to these people yeah I suppose with with the sponsorship thing like I sponsor uh for Lads at the moment um and all it is is I'm bringing them through the steps like was brought through the steps I'm no bigger or better than them it doesn't matter how much clean time or sober time I've got behind me I can't make them sober and I can't make them drink or use um they just have to follow my lead that that's all they need to do and that's exactly what I did with my sponsor and what his he done with his sponsor it's it's more of a guide um than anything um and look that's I feel like doing things like that and trying to help people more which is why like doing things like this because some people are Anonymous out of their recovery um and power to them like if they are I completely understand that but I can't be I I have to reach out to people like like some of the guys in the gym like know my background they know my story and I tell people that because not for Pats on the back or well done Shane you're great it's because people reach out to me um I share on social media quite often about other people's recovery and my recovery because I know there's a lot of people out there everybody knows somebody that has either died um or is very very ill from alcohol or drug use or is in trouble with it um and they don't know where the help is um I'd never heard of Alcoholics Anonymous or Narcotics Anonymous or any form of recovery or anything like that before I walked into those rooms um and the fear of not knowing what's on the other side thinking the life you have now and the life you've lived so far is all there is that's all it is just for a very very long time is not true it's not the case you can there is something on the other side of it um and it is amazing um and people do when people do see me and that know me from before and and know me now like I've always wanted people to be proud of me no matter what like when I was when I was drinking and using it like I did standup for years I did standup comedy and a lot of that was because I just wanted people to like me I just wanted attention um and it was kind of the wrong the wrong thing like um to do but I did it and I I i' done it for a good few years and and kept going at it and it just made me desperately unhappy after a while but today I don't look for people to be proud of me but I've never had so many people come up to me and say it um people never really said it and came up up to me when I was doing things like stand up or you know drinking as much as I could or you know doing stupid things people say it to me today um and they mean it and I'm proud of myself um and it's not a cocky thing like I spent most of my life not thinking much of Shane um I hated looking in the mirror and seeing who I was today I can look in the mirror and kind of Pat myself on the back and say you're doing a good job lad no and yeah and congrat ulations fair play I'm proud you well like like you said you we kind of got to talking about this and if this changes one person's Direction that's that's a win you know the sort of huge win yeah actually you bring me back to a question I never even thought of when you're going into record or hly you said you didn't know what they were and you found out so when I release this I'm going to try and release some information or links with it so people can find help um I'll put it in my bio um but when you go to that door for the first time and like said you don't know what's behind that door you're trying to give up drink what's the anxiety like before you open that handle to go in or did you even think about it did you just walk straight in not a breeze or were you did you have any hesitation when you get up to the door uh for me no I was at a what they call a jumping off point it was either that or or death that's all I could see um some people go in try it it's not for them um and go back out some people try it it is for for them but they're just not ready yet um my my experience I can only kind of speak from my own experience I went in the first time in 2013 and met some amazing people that I related to um yeah it is hard yeah it is sometimes you're going to come across people you don't like but I see I see that on the outside of those rooms as well um the main thing is I went in there and for it to work you need to be rigorously honest um it doesn't matter if if you suffer from you know other mental things like depression or or or bipolar any of those types of things you can still get recovery if if you can be honest um it is frightening it's one of the best things you'll ever do if if you think you've got a problem with drink or drugs then I'd say give it a go um but since the pandemic it's a lot easier like I do a lot of meetings online on Zoom um I do a lot of meetings a lot of my like my my sponsor is lives in another country I've never met him in in person um my previous sponsor before that is over in the states um it's uh it's amazing like you can get recovery like in your own home you don't have to walk into to a room um there's so many different ways now that you can that you can get help um and a lot of people just don't know what's there yeah so hopefully with this I'm going to look into a bit more I'm going to try and get some links or or some information off you so when I do release this it's going to go on to YouTube then I'll throw Clips on to Instagram as well I I'll assign the link to that I'm actually going to put in one of those links readings and I'm going to and put stuff in but no I want to say fantastic with your recovery and everything you've done and like that you should be proud of yourself obviously your boys are going to be proud of you your fiance who should be your wife very soon I must say um is probably extremely proud you and like said you were quite lucky with her as well because a lot of women could have walked a lot of women could have walked and you no one would have disagreed with them as well so if if you didn't have her at that time that it might have it could have went another way but like I said it has to be down to you as well you said people aren't ready for Recovery if people are going in and they don't really want it I think they're always going to kind of come back off it but yeah I thank you for your time it's been an absolute pleasure no worries man um it's giving me a lot more insights into it as well and uh yeah thank you is there anything you want to say before you go or any advice you'd like to give or anyone you'd like to thank um obviously my my my fiance God love her um I will we will get married one day we kind of done everything backwards we we moved in together after a year got engaged after two years um had three boys then we bought a house our ways the whole lot but um we're happy and that's the main thing but no it's if the one thing I did right from from day one um up to today is I I kept trying I I kept going it like even if I if I relapsed if I if I drank or if I used I kept trying I kept fighting I kept going I kept going I was a lost cause many many times I had a lot of um rock bottoms but I still kept going um since I've started going to recovery there's well into double figures the amount of people that have have gone through suicide or um suicide or overdose or things like that and it's it's it's horrific it doesn't get easier when you see people that you you share recovery with uh disappear um so I would just say like if you're struggling out there reach out to someone um just check online don't be scared like it's it's not that bad um like recovery is it's it is hard but it's a million times better than the alternative yeah the AL is is no life and like said there could be you're just going to keep going the way you're going until you basically die and you you're not going to have anyone with you at that stage if you get that bad but um again thank you again um and I will talk to you very soon I really appreciate your time if you ever need it and reach out if you ever want to get a message out to people you know I'm always here as an outlet for you um so I will talk to you soon